(inner) fall - Aigle, Vaud

“The days before my period don’t feel soft or mystical. They feel heavy. Like a storm cloud sitting directly over my head that I can’t outrun. Like drowning quietly while still showing up to life as if everything is fine.

My inner autumn pulls me inward, whether I want it to or not. My body feels demanding, restless, and exhausted all at once. A lot of times it’s too much feeling at once: craving, grief, anger, longing, emptiness.

If I keep moving, keep busy, keep my hands and mind occupied, sometimes I can stay above water.

The outside world fades, and I’m just left with myself. My thoughts. My demons come along for the ride. Not in a beautiful way. In an honest way.

And yet, there’s something powerful in knowing this version of me, too. In facing the darkness every month and continuing anyway.

There’s always a to and fro beneath the surface. It’s also when I’m most creative (in an existential kind of way). I fall into it. And eventually, I rise out of it again.”